Blogs always make me think of those stay at home mom's who share their favorite recipes or their new homemade laundry detergent that uses only the best essential oils on the market. I never thought I'd be one of those people who acted like their lives were special enough for people to want to see what I ate or where I went. And I still don't want to act that way.
No one gives a shit about what I ate today, and if you do then you need a hobby. No the main reason I wanted to start this "blog" was to give myself a creative outlet to write. So if you're reading this, I'm sorry I won't be sharing any recipes or DIY laundry detergent posts. Honestly, I don't even know what I'm going to write about. I guess it just depends on the day.
So for right now, I'm going to write about my struggles. Those are the most prominent thing in my life at the moment and I need a way to let them out. So I apologize if this next section upsets you or makes you sad, but I just needed somewhere to put this. I don't want to post cryptic or depressing statuses on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and I have never been good at keeping a journal, so I guess this is my version of a digital journal.
2019 Recap:
Last year was the best/worst year of my entire life. I lost my pet guinea pig, Amelia, in a terrible way. She helped me get through college, she was the first pet that I'd taken care of by myself and she still holds a special place in my heart. But she was just the tip of the iceberg.
Right after our annual trip to Austin last year, my (then) fiance lost his job. It was kind of a shock, but also not entirely surprising. They had been trying to push him out since he started, and they finally saw their chance and took it. But him losing his job was a bit of a blessing in disguise, because his mother started getting really sick. She had been battling cancer since 2017, but she got an infection that kept her in and out of the hospital and unable to do chemo treatments because of the antibiotics. Because my fiance had lost his job, he was able to be there for his mom as often as she needed him. But in September of last year, she passed away. It was really hard for all of us and still is. I'm tearing up just writing about it. But it's therapeutic in a way. She was a wonderful woman. We had our issues of course, but I know that she loved her son more than anything in the entire world. She and I can relate to that, and I promise her every day that I'll continue to do so. (I want to upload a photo but I am going to respect their privacy)
In November of 2019, I got married! It was the most amazing day of my entire life and is the ONLY reason 2019 was one of the best/worst years of my life. All the planning, the stress, the tears were all worth it for that day. To be surrounded by your closest friends and family to celebrate something you've known for years is such a wonderful experience. But as soon as the wedding was over, the stress returned. We were still losing money, we still had a major loss in the family, and we were still unhappy with our current career paths. All at once the pressure of life just dropped on top of us, and we fell hard. I would say we're still crawling back out into the sunlight. It's a slow process, it doesn't happen overnight. But we have good days and bad days. We try to medicate with video games, movies, shows, anything to keep up distracted. Finally this week I got motivated. I can't tell you what changed, but I got fed up. I was tired of being sad. Of feeling defeated. So I'm here to begin again. I won't let life get the best of me. I'm going to fight back until I have nothing left. I still don't know what exactly I want to do, but I know that I have to DO something. I have to act, to try my best to do and be someone. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, what I'm good at, and what makes me happy. But I'd rather spend my entire life figuring that out than give up and settle for something I don't love.
Ok, I'm tired of writing about sad things! So here is a list of some good things in my life and things that I'm thankful for:
My husband
All of my wonderful friends
My adorable dog Rhea
My parents
My cute apartment
Video games
Netflix
Hulu
Original movies and shows (you know, non-remake content)
Rooster Teeth
Humor
Art
Mac and Cheese
Thank you:
If you read this far, then thank you. I am excited to be able to write things that go through my head. It may not always be happy thoughts, but I promise that any time I write something sad/negative I will follow it up with things that I'm excited about or that are good in my life. There's too much negativity in this world and I can't be like that, I have to be better.
Much love!
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